The home of Cetera Noir and his band Die Hard Cafe

Friday, July 2, 2010

To catch a predator, Deus ex machina!

i often wonder what it would be like to get busted on TCAP.
i always feel so sorry for those pedophiles for some reason.
like, my mind isnt able to look at them through the glass of their implied crimes.
all i see is a lonely guy who gets completely humiliated.

trying to put myself in the pedo's shoes.

pondering the question: is there a cool way to go about getting caught on that show?

like, when you see chris hansen and you know the jig is up. is there a way to play it off that would make you the protagonist?

maybe just completely try to take control of the situation.
1st off, don't take any of his shit. he tries to alpha dog you so hard and he thinks he can get away with it every time.
i feel like it would really throw him off if you beat him in a battle of wits.

then you move to the kitchen where you avail yourself of the most expensive stuff they have.
i imagine the kitchen is stocked to some capacity so the pedos have something to do while the cameras and cops move in. if you could hook up some wine and even caviar, you would look like a smooth operator.

maybe even take it up a level and actually pull out your cocaine and spoon some up.
then slide over to the stereo and blast some bolton. you would definitely be starting to enjoy this date, however ill-fated it may be.

now, this whole time, chris is going to be talking at you. trying to frame you as a crazy person. don't let him. you have to talk to him. and keep it up.
say existential things. blow his and the audience's mind with the deepest stuff you can dig up.
give him questions but don't let him answer too elaborately. if he turns an answer into an insult to you.
you can belittle him by saying that you knew he wasn't cultured enough negotiate such a mental gymnastic.

but the good times will eventually end and they will move on you.
this is where you have to truly become raper james bond.

you are in a house surrounded by cops. and there are cops in the basement and 2nd floor.
there is also a beautiful girl upstairs who is their prisoner. she needs you, james. she's the innocent one in all this. someone has to pay and god help them if they think they are getting off clean. today is a good day to die. but first, there will flow rivers of red.

you move back to the kitchen where, whilst you were preparing your nosh, you also located all the kitchen materials that could be used to make a roaring fire. consult the internet for the exact recipes. i'm sure there are plenty.

if people are attempting to close in at this point,
you wield your concoction like an absolute loon and put everyone on their guard.
the next step is to open the back door wide. but don't leave. there are still cops there.
now you make your fire right in that doorway.

now back into the house. cops may be entering the front now.
now carefully pull out your pistol. (you wouldn't do anything illegal whilst unarmed, right?)

hold your pistol at ease; pointing at the ceiling with arm bent. the gun should be parallel to your head.
if you look like you are pointing the gun at a cop, you will die. game over.
but having it out like this will cause them to halt their advance. they will be telling you to drop the weapon. do not respond.

this next part is hard.
you are going upstairs.
there are 2 cops upstairs. 3 at the most.
you might see one as you climb. shoot him or her in the brain.
at the top of the stairs, you have a good spot to cover and take out the next very surprised cop.
at the same time cover your back by shooting down the stairs.
yell 'nobody come up here, i  just need to think. i wont hurt anybody'

use cover and stealth to find any remaining cops on this floor and efficiently murder them.

your prize is waiting in the bathroom.
hold out your hand to her. when she takes it, bend down and kiss hers.
then beckon her to hop on your back. she will.
tell her to play along.

yell 'i'm coming down'
you need to hold behind her head with your free hand.
and point the gun at her head with the other.
yell 'nobody try anything, and she lives'

carefully make your way to the back door.
magically, the fire has been  extinguished. all the cops back there have moved to the front of the building.
you are free to run out there, put your princess down and steal one of the idling cop cars.

now that would be a good episode.

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